Two Canons Don't Make a Fanon
by Yrch Monger
Summary: In an attempt to create the über fanon fanfic, Cujo and Dippy “borrow” book canon and movie canon characters from their respective locations. This week, Book Legolas meets Movie Legolas.
1. Arwen vs Arwench

**Two Canons Don't Make a Fanon**

Summary: In an attempt to create the über fanon fanfic, Cujo and Dippy "borrow" book canon and movie canon characters from their respective locations. This week, Book Arwen meets Movie Arwen. 

Warning: I have a habit of being brutally honest.

The song is not mine, that credit goes to Tom Bombadil… I mean, Tolkien. And the bit from the Lay of Leithian goes to Tolkien as well.

Much thanks to Dippy for allowing me to use her person, which is available for public use on the third Tuesday of every month.

A/N: I do know that Rivendell and Imladris are the same place, but I doubt Movie Arwen would know Imladris if it bit her in the ass. So therefore, it's merely Rivendell when being referred to in Movie-verse. (Even if Elrond called it Imladris at the Council.)

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Episode One: Arwen vs. Arwench

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**Imladris, Third Age, 2951 **

"Cujo, how exactly do you plan to capture Arwen?" Dippy asked, pulling leaves from her hair. 

Transporting oneself to Middle-earth wasn't easy, and it was made even harder when Cujo decided to track down "the real" Gandalf to help them get there. Sure he was off stalking Bob Dylan, and he wasn't so much Gandalf as he was a middle-aged English teacher, but he had served his purpose well enough. 

Besides, a device that could take you to an alternate plane of existence was hard to come by these days. Especially one with so many buttons, as Cujo had so delightedly pointed out. 

"How do you think I plan to do it, by crikey?" she replied, gesturing wildly to the burlap sack that she was dragging behind her. Dippy could barely make out the muffled noises coming from inside, but she was almost positive that it sounded like singing… or was that screaming? Perhaps it was best not to ask after all.

The bedraggled duo arrived at the edge of a clearing, hiding themselves behind an enormous white birch. They could see Arwen walking nearby in a blue and silver mantle, just as they had expected.

Cujo, never the silent, intelligent type, felt that this was the perfect opportunity to burst into song:

"_Hey! now! Come hoy now! Whither do you wander?_

_Up, down, near or far, here, there or yonder?"_

The Lady of Rivendell spun around at this unwelcome intrusion, hands flying to her ears in an attempt to drown out the fell beast like shrieking coming from somewhere nearby.

_"Sharp-ears, Wise-nose, Swish-tail and Bumpkin,_

_White-socks my little lad, and old Fatty Lumpkin!_

_Hey! now- _Ouchies!"

By this point, Dippy had taken matters into her own hands and thrown her transporter at the oblivious girl crouched next to her. "You know Dippy, this is why we can't have nice things." 

"That's what you said when I threw the ferret at you."

"Yeah, but I was drunk, and it was dea-"

"Is someone there? _Pedo_!" Arwen was standing in the same spot as before, but she had seemed to regain her composure somewhat. 

Dippy gave Cujo the "Must Kill Neo" face before returning her attention back to the confused Elf. "It is I, the great and powerful Oz… err, Ilúvatar. And you my child must ignore my ramblings and return to your thoughts."

Arwen had that Balrog in the proverbial headlights look, which Cujo tactfully (a word which here means stupidly) chose to ignore. "I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees!" 

The Elf's lips parted slightly as she stumbled backwards. "Eru, is it truly you?" 

"Yes, it is I. The One, Father of All, he who brought the Ainur into being." 

Cujo looked at Dippy dumbfounded. "Then Melkor is all your fault, you bastard!" 

"Who was that!?!" Arwen looked even more confused, if that was actually possible at this point.

Dippy was (for once) at a loss for words. I- err- BOB! That was my manservant… Bob.

"Bob?" Arwen repeated, trying to grasp the strange name.

"Yes, we met over Mai Tais in Hawaii. It's a long boring story, you really don't want to hear about it. So, how are things? Over your mother being defiled by Orcs yet?"

Undómiel's face twisted in anger and Dippy said the only logical thing she could think of, "Release the hounds!"

Instantly grasping what her friend meant, Cujo untied the sack, allowing its occupant to wriggle free. 

Dippy took in the captive's rather disheveled, muddy appearance. It was apparent that Cujo had made him that way. (For Elbereth only knows what purpose. ::smarmy grin::)

Looking at her compatriot's dumbstruck face, Cujo couldn't help but smile. "It appears that the Dúnadan is out of the bag, so to speak."

"I'm surprised you left his clothes on."

"Me too."

Aragorn stepped forward, taking in the scene around him. He could see two girls hiding behind a tree, one with a stupid grin on her face, the other merely looking at him with disdain. Dippy turned to Cujo. "He's not doing anything!"

"I know, isn't he cute?"

Ignoring their conversation (particularly the part dealing with hot fudge and a sensual massage), or merely suffering from brain damage after being dragged around for several hours, Aragorn himself didn't even know which, he made his way into the clearing… singing, as all slightly disoriented Rangers were prone to do.

_"Ir Ithil ammen Eruchîn_

_menel-vîr síla díriel_

_si loth a galadh lasto dîn!_

_A Hîr Annûn Gilthoniel, le linnon im Tinúviel"_

And there she was before him, Lúthien herself. 

Aragorn ran towards her rather foppishly crying out, "Tinúviel, Tinúviel!"

"Oye! See the Dúnedainicus Estelius woo the female with his mating call. What do you think Terry? Shall we go capture ourselves a beauty?" 

"Cujo, you're on crack."

"And how."

Watching Aragorn and Arwen talk as if they were old friends, or in this case head wound victims, Dippy grabbed the sack and slowly made her way behind them. 

"Then we are kin from afar, for I am Arwen Elrond's daughter, and am named also- hepata!"

Sack firmly in place over the Evenstar's head, Cujo and Dippy grabbed Arwen by the feet and started to drag her back towards the Last Homely House. 

"Wait, where are you taking her?" Aragorn called out, suddenly pining for the elleth he had only met a few seconds ago.

Cujo and Dippy exchanged knowing looks before answering the confused heir of Isildur. "New Jersey!"

**Rivendell, Third Age, 3018 **

After depositing Book Arwen in an undisclosed location built for such purposes (i.e. relentless torture) the two companions once again found themselves in Middle-earth. They were a little worse for the wear, Elves seemed to kick more than they had expected, and Cujo was grudgingly nursing a black eye. Dippy on the other hand was surprisingly optimistic, but Cujo suspected that it was only because Pippin was somewhere nearby.

Hiding yet again, they watched as Boromir rode past them and dismounted.

"He's supposed to arrive at night!" Cujo hissed between her teeth. This complaint paled in comparison however to the one she spouted next about Legolas riding in on his "cleverly disguised" saddle. (Let's just say some choice words were used involving someone's anatomically incorrect body parts… or rather lack thereof.)

Having three other sisters, Dippy was prone to such incessant whining and was able to ignore the prattling girl seated to her right. "How long are we going to wait before making our move?" Dippy asked as Gimli and Glóin sauntered past them.

"Just until the bridge scene. And thanks to the magic of film, in four minutes and fifty seconds."

Four minutes and forty-nine seconds later (faulty watch explained Cujo) they crept towards the Garden of Twilight where they came upon Aragorn and Arwen.

"Renech i lu i erui govannen?" Arwen was asking him in her faulty Sindarin. 

"Nauthannem i ned ol reniannen," he replied with a less constipated tone of voice than that of his Elvish companion.  
  
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Dippy and Cujo gagged from their hiding place, silently vowing never to eat veal again.

Sick of cowering behind trees, Dippy stood up and made her way behind Arwen. "Rather narrow bridge, don't you think?"

"Yes, it would be a shame if someone fell off," Cujo answered, stepping out into the open as well.

Arwen quickly broke away from Aragorn's embrace, dropping the Evenstar pendant in the process. They took in Cujo and Dippy's appearance, Aragorn much too confused to speak, and Arwen much too stupid to stay silent.

"Who are you, and why are you dressed like that?" It was a typical un-canon response, not surprising in the least coming from such a pathetic Elf trying to pass herself off as the Evenstar of her people.

And of course, the only logical thing to do was respond with an equally out of place explanation. "What do you mean? These are the clothes I always wear." Dippy was well versed in typical Sue responses, so well in fact that she kept going, even though it was unnecessary. "In fact these shoes cost $900, very expensive, pure Italian leather made from the finest oliphaunt money can buy."

There was a brief moment of restrained silence, followed by a loud grunting noise as Cujo ran at Arwen's knees, causing the Elf to flip over the girl's small frame and land on her back with a very undignified, "Rhach!"

Dippy looked at the unconscious Elf, before binding Arwen's hand with duct tape. Cujo however was being as useless as ever and looking intently at Aragorn. "Elbereth you have huge feet! Rather deceiving, considering how small your-"

Aragorn's mouth dropped open, a horrified expression on his face. "You better be talking about Andúril!"

"Ummm, I was... Of course I was." She treated him to her best "I wasn't talking about how small your "Hobbit" was" face before continuing. "Im meleth le, Aragorn."

That's when he ran. (Cujo seemed to have that effect on people.) She should have listened to Dippy, telling strange men you loved them was not appropriate for casual conversation. 

By the time the human was out of sight, Dippy had Arwen all ready for shipment. 

**New Jersey, 21st Century, 2004**

Elves safely tied to folding chairs, Dippy and Cujo felt comfortable enough to begin their survey. A lot of data would have to be collected before they could write the ultimate fanon story. And since they were both rather anal individuals (though not anal in the way that comes to mind when Clay Aiken is mentioned) the story had to be perfect. 

Dippy walked past the Arwens several times before starting. "Please finish this sentence. My eye color is … ?"

"Grey," Arwen said confidently.

"Blue," countered less attractive, less intelligent, less important Movie Arwen. "Or are they brown?"

Writing notes on her clipboard, Dippy continued, "My hair color is … ?"

"Black."

"Raven, midnight, turtle…" Dippy wrote Arwench's response down, despite the fact that she knew turtle wasn't a color. 

After getting all the basic information recorded, they moved on to the multiple choice questions.

Cujo mumbled something to herself about the best way to cook veal cutlets before beginning. "Would you describe yourself as, A. the most beautiful creature in all of Middle-earth, B. a bloated heroine addict, C. a mopey angst ridden veal, or D. a lemur?"

Book Arwen had a puzzled look on her face and Movie Arwen was smiling to herself as if she knew some secret the others did not. "E. None of the above," responded canon-correct Arwen. _Subject A1 displays tremendous amount of modesty, _Cujo wrote on her sheet.

Movie Arwen still hadn't wiped the grin off her face as she answered with a very excited, "Oooh! Ooooh, A!" 

_Subject A2 is delusional._

"Question number two: If my one true love were crowned King of Gondor, I would A. leave for Valinor, B. show up appropriately on 1 Lithe, C. open a fast food franchise named Arwen Burger, or D. play peek-a-boo behind a standard that I stole from a poor blind women outside Minas Tirith?" 

Most of the questions continued in this vein, as well as several other tests, the majority dealing with buoyancy and the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow. After several meticulous hours of data collection, Cujo and Dippy had all the information they needed in handy dandy form… format.

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Subject A1

Name: Arwen 

Aliases: Undómiel, Evenstar, Lady of Rivendell 

Canon: Book

Direct Relations: Elrond (Father), Celebrían (Mother), Elladan (Brother), Elrohir (Brother), Estel (Love Interest)

Conductivity in Solution: results inconclusive

Response to Electroshock: none administered

Special Skills: Sewing, singing, making cute Rangers fall madly in love with her, and catching toads.

Other Comments: My balls are in an iron vice-grip.

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Subject A2

Name: Arwen

Aliases: the Evenstar of her people, the veal, Arwench, Scene Stealing Hussy, the Chick with the Lips

Canon: Movie

Direct Relations: Elrond (Father), Aragorn (Love Slave)

Conductivity in Solution: yes

Response to Electroshock: excessive twitching

Special Skills: Rescuing Hobbits, hide-and-seek, moping, and licking toads.

Other Comments: Subject is easily amused by shiny objects.

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"May I go home now?" Book Arwen politely asked Dippy.

"Yes Undómiel, I believe we're done with you." She looked at Cujo, who grabbed her transporter. Taking Arwen by the hand, Cujo punched in the appropriate password (My Precious) to access the device and set the proper coordinates. A hole opened beneath their feet and they were gone, leaving Dippy and Movie Arwen alone.

"What about me? When do I get to go home?"

Dippy turned to Arwen, an evil smirk on her face. "I don't know yet Dorothy, perhaps you're still needed." 

Cujo had horrible timing, this moment being no exception. "You didn't bury her body without me, did- Oh, hi Arwen!" she squeaked seeing the Elf crouched in the corner. "I'll get the shovels," she whispered to Dippy while backing out of the room.

"Shovels, what shovels!?!" 

"She didn't say shovels, she said… muzzles."

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_Clash of the Canons _

A Meticulously Fanon Fanfic by: Cujo Queen of the Desert and Grotesque Rose

Arwen rode her cow Liv beside the Nimrodel while simultaneously sewing a pair of booties for Aragorn and singing "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" in flawless Sindarin. Her sword rested at her hip, ready to rescue any Hobbits she found being molested by Ringwraiths or other characters of an unsavory nature. Particularly pirates and sailors.

Tucking a loose strand of black hair behind her pointed ear, her blue eyes searched the landscape for any sign of life. Liv could only provide her with so much comfort, none of it sexual, making Arwen's situation even more difficult. If she couldn't find someone to talk to, she was liable to do something drastic, like re-elect Nixon for another term. It was when this idea entered her mind that she saw someone riding toward her from the direction of Lórien. 

"Ah, the Prince of Mirkwood," Arwen thought to herself. And with that she urged Liv forward.

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"We're going to be flamed beyond belief," Cujo commented, reading over what they had written so far.

"Yes, but it's the ending that's important." 

"Speaking of which, whatever happened to Arwen? When I came back with the shovels, she was gone." 

Dippy smiled to herself. "I'm sure that in time her death will be a mystery… even to me." 

Cujo laughed nervously, making a mental note to hide any sharp objects that were within Dippy's reach. (Especially screwdrivers.) 

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Coming Soon, Episode Two: Legolas vs. Nancy

So, shall I continue this? What say you? 


	2. Legolas vs Nancy

Summary: In an attempt to create the über fanon fanfic, Cujo and Dippy "borrow" book canon and movie canon characters from their respective locations. This week, Book Legolas meets Movie Legolas. 

A very big _hannon le_ to Dippy for coming up with the Madagascar plan. It's rather logical when you think about it… "Orlando Bloom ruined everything."

"The Song of Amroth" belongs to Tolkien. Damn him! The "Lament for Gandalf" however belongs to Howard Shore and Philippa Boyens. Damn them as well. (Stupid Enya.)

Warning: You thought I was mean to Movie Arwen? Legolas fans, prepare yourselves.

I'd also like to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter, unfortunately not all the reviews were sent and I felt bad thanking you all personally while those four people were left unaccounted for. So next time I'll get off my ass and thank all you lovely reviewers properly.

**KATLA**: Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Shabat Shalom! This is dedicated to you. Thanks for getting my ass (arse if you're Cassie) into gear. Pray I didn't butcher you too much.

A/N: One final thing before I shut up, the big chunk in italics near the end of each chapter will always be the fan fic we're writing within the fan fic. Hopefully that made sense, but then again, I am very small.

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Episode Two: Legolas vs. Nancy

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**Laurelindórenan****, Third Age, 3019**

Bathing their weary feet in the Nimrodel's waters, the Fellowship was completely unaware of the soft splashing noise coming from downstream.

Dippy was too busy gracefully attempting to stay in one place, without being swept away, to notice that Cujo's short attention span had once again fouled up everything, causing the girl to chase after a small fish near the opposite bank.

"I don't want to hurt you, I just want your life!" she screamed with glee, leaping up and down. At least their position near the Celebrant covered up her drunken antics rather effectively.

It had been Dippy's idea to travel via the Nimrodel in an attempt to catch the Silvan Prince unawares, it had been Cujo's to travel against the stream's current. In hindsight, not a good idea either. But then again, Cujo wasn't known for her ideas, or her intelligence for that matter. Rather, she was known for her foul-ups in most any situation.

Dippy on the other hand was known for her unbending will and ability to frighten off anyone within a thirty foot radius. Not really a helpful talent when you think about it, but a talent nonetheless.

After uselessly floundering around for several more minutes, Dippy was able to pull herself onto the bank. Unfortunately, said bank was on the wrong side of the river. Cujo was laughing at her from the other side of the Nimrodel repeating over and over again to herself, "Hey Beni, looks like you're on the wrong side of the river."

In no mood for being the brunt of any jokes, Dippy stormed angrily, if it is at all possible to seem angry while trudging through Hobbit-knee deep water, towards her frightened friend.

"Do you hear the voice of Nimrodel?" Legolas was asking the Company in his cheerfully melodic voice.

It wasn't the voice of Nimrodel that drifted over the sound of the waterfall, but Cujo's cry of, "Please don't hurt me! I'll be good I… Hey, a squirrel!"

The black squirrels of Mirkwood weren't known to be in this area of Middle-earth, leaving Dippy with the realization that this particular mammal wasn't one known for climbing trees and eating nuts. Sure the girl standing before them in a full length squirrel suit had that wild-eyed, "I'm about to be hit by a car" look, but most fangirls where stricken with that glassy eyed stare.

"You!?!" The girl half questioned, half demanded, pointing at Cujo.

"You!?!" Cujo mockingly replied.

Dippy gave this creature the once over. All the signs were there: The "I Love Legolas" buttons pinned to her fur, the faint smell of Lembas and strawberry scented bubble bath, the life size Orlando Bloom cut-out positioned next to her, it was all pretty obvious. This thing standing before her was a… a… "FRESHMAN!" Dippy screamed. "I mean," she said clearing her throat, "Do you two know each other?"

"No," they answered simultaneously.

_"A star was bound upon her brows,_

_A light was on her hair_

_As sun upon the golden boughs_

_In Lórien the fair._

_Her hair was long, her limbs were white,_

_And fair she was and free;_

_And in the wind she went as light_

_As leaf of linden-tree."_

Dippy shook her head back on forth. It was obvious, not only by the way her hands were wrapped firmly around Cujo's neck, but by the angry look on her face that she was less than pleased. "You drag me to Middle-earth _again_, we get accosted by strange fangirls, and everything turns into a bloody song-fic!"

"It's Katla's fault," Cujo managed to squeak, jerking her head in the squirrel's direction.

The young fangirl however was no longer listening to their squabbles, nor did she care to. Instead, her eyes were fixed on the nearest ridge, where Legolas was waiting, vulnerable, and singing.

"I'm coming _meleth nin_!" she cried, holding her tail in one hand and running out of sight.

Once the shock wore off, Dippy released Cujo, letting her fall to the ground in a very unceremonious manner. "Well that was beyond confusing," she mused.

"No it wasn't!"

"Of course it wouldn't be confusing to you. A confusing person perfectly understands the inconsequentiality of such events and all their foibles. This child, has been a proven fact since the epoch of our creation."

"If I stick my tongue out far enough, I can touch my nose!"

Before being able to reprimand Cujo for such an idiotic remark, Dippy felt an eerie presence behind her and something hard against her back. "I know, it's not a gun, you're just very, very tall," Dippy commented, laughing silently to herself.

When she turned around however, it wasn't a gun, it wasn't even a misshapen carrot; instead, it was a very irate wood elf, and he was more than angry, as evidence of the bow aimed at her head informed her. "What brings such strange travelers to Lothlórien in these dark times?" Legolas asked bitterly.

"Porn and chocolate."

"That's Canada, idiot," Dippy corrected, jabbing Cujo in the ribs. "Allow me. We are here, on a quest if you will, to capture the elusive Greenwood squirrel. We've been tracking one for some time now, have you seen it?"

After several moments of contemplation, Gimli decided to reply. "Well, we saw a faint ominous shadow lurking around, would that count?"

"Only if it wasn't Gollum."

Coming up with a plausible excuse to drag Legolas away kicking and screaming was ever present in both the girls minds, but their thought processes were halted as Katla came running in from the other direction.

"MY PRECIOUS!"

"Would that qualify as Gollum?" Pippin asked, hiding behind Aragorn.

Any answer was swallowed up by Legolas' screams of "Get it off me!" and Katla's equally annoying, "LEGGY!" It wasn't long before the entire assembled Company knew that their retaliation could be nothing compared to the strength of a rabid fangirl.

And so with heavy hearts, the seven remaining members of the Fellowship left their friend for dead, silently praying that Ulmo's music could bring him back after the squirrel was done having her way with him.

"I told you that fangirls were good for something," Cujo said rather smugly.

"That remains to be seen."

**Lothlórien, Third Age, 3019__**

Legolas was crossing the courtyard in his very chic silver kimono, water pitcher in hand. "Perhaps," Cujo wondered, "He's going to milk the cows." But that was highly illogical. After all, Arwen was still in Rivendell.

"Cujo, why? Why does everything we do end up turning into a musical?"

"Because nobody loves you. Now be quiet."

_"A Olorin i yaresse_

_Tirien i Romenori _

_Maiarion i Oiosaila_

_Mana elye etevanne_

_Norie i melanelye?"_

"A lament for Gandalf," Legolas said to no one in particular.

Merry appeared to be the only one vaguely interested in talking to the color-coordinated Elf nancing before them. "What do they say about him?"

"I haven't the heart to tell you. For me, the grief is still too near." Of course, this was all said in rather breathy tones, and no one actually listened to his explanation. Sam in fact was too busy thinking about fireworks and other Hobbity things to notice that Legolas had talked in the first place.

Aragorn on the other hand decided to walk over to Boromir and confess his unrequited love. Dippy wondered why this hadn't made it into the actual film.

Sensing their opportunity, Dippy called out into the clearing: "Help, I'm lost and naked," then as if on second thought, "And I'm a girl!" The Elf quickly turned his head, walking towards the sound emanating several feet away.

As he drew closer, Dippy began to unzip the backpack she had brought with her. At the same time, Cujo slinked back to the rope they had set up, and took out her scissors in preparation.

Dippy placed the animal onto the path. "RABBBIT!" Legolas cried, pointing at the furry mammal crossing his path. "LEMBAS!" he said in exactly the same vein as the Elvish way bread flew in front of his face. "HOBBIT IN ROLLER SKATES!" (Poor Pippin.)

He stopped after the miniature schnauzer ran past, expecting some object to hit him in its projectory. Hearing a slight ripping noise he looked up. "ANVIL!"

**New Jersey, 21st Century, 2004**

Katla was standing guard, scimitar in hand. Dippy was a little reticent about giving her the position, she knew that if either Legolas' escaped their bonds, Cujo's friend was more likely to kiss them than break their kneecaps. The former was a far more effective method of torture in any case.

"Hair color," Dippy began, "what would you call yours?"

Movie Legolas was the first to speak. "Blonde."

"Blond?"

"Right, that's what I said. Blonde."

_Subject L2 is cursed with the notion that he is female._ "And how about you Book Legolas?"

He had gone considerably pale and was frantically clutching at his tunic. "Err, ummm, what I mean to say is… Dark brown?"

And in every corner of the globe, from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe, movie-verse Legolas fangirls spontaneously combusted.

"Do you hear that screaming?" Dippy asked as a two ton truck crashed into their laboratory.

"I think it was the fabric of time ripping," Katla replied from the corner of the room. "I'm a bookie," she explained to the stunned group standing in front of her, before they all retreated to the basement.

Once reassembled, Dippy continued. "How many fans do you have?"

Legolas, slightly relieved that he could actually answer this question, responded with a simple, "Hundreds."

"Hah, that's nothing. I have 10,893.5, and they're all female. Well, except for the .5 of course, we're pretty sure that one's a hermaphrodite."

"Right… Please finish this sentence. When Orlando Bloom wins an Oscar… "

Canon-incorrect Legolas was the only willing participant to answer the question. "I can die a happy Elf."

Dippy laughed right in his face before replying in her most serious "why is this guy a complete and utter fop" voice. "I'm sorry, the correct answer was: monkeys will fly out of my ass."

"Okay, enough jibber jabber, it's multiple choice time," Cujo said, trying to bring an end to all the foolishness. Her Mr. T like response however had ruined any hopes of that.

"Question number one: Given the fact that many people are incredibly attracted to you, would you sleep with A. Jack Nicholson, B. Lestat, C. Liza Minelli, or D. Tony Orlando?"

"Are all of those men?" Nancy asked.

Cujo flipped through her notes. "Probably."

"In that case, I'd have to go with D."

Book Legolas, having no idea who anyone mentioned was, just answered B, to be on the safe side.

"Question number two: My preferred style of clothing is A. casual with green and brown accents, a bow, and light boots, B. mini-skirt, high boots, and a slutty jewel (in her own right) clinging to me named Helen, C. completely naked atop an oliphaunt, or D. a hat with a ridiculously oversized feather?"

"Can we pick more than one answer?"

"You know what, you annoy me! Fill out the form yourself!"

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Subject L1

Name: Legolas

Aliases: Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, Silvan Prince

Canon: Book

Direct Relations: Thranduil (Father), Gimli (Faithful Friend)

Intelligence Compared to an Ape: Higher

Strength of Kneecaps (1-10): 2, Weak

Special Skills: Bowmanship, making Dwarf friends, walking on snow, and building ships out of toothpicks.

Other Comments: Very good at kayaking.

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Subject L2

Name: Legolas

Aliases: The Lemur, Captain Obvious, Mellon Nin (my friend in Sindarin), Leggy

Canon: Movie

Direct Relations: Gimli (Life Partner)

Intelligence Compared to an Ape: Lower, also lower than that of genital crabs.

Strength of Kneecaps (1-10): 8, Strong

Special Skills: Stating the obvious, staying inexplicably clean, annoying the audience, and tennis.

Other Comments: Unknown parentage gives way to theory that subject was raised by Wargs.

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"Now Legolas, since the fangirl world discovered that you're not blond, you're now a social outcast. Here's a cardboard box and some peanuts. Have a nice day," Dippy told the very dejected Prince, shooing him out the door.

"And as for you," Cujo laughed, focusing on Nancy, "We have much better plans."

"Oooh, does it involve packing peanuts?"

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_It wasn't long before the familiar dark hair came into view, and Arwen gracefully leapt off Liv towards her childhood friend. It had been so long since they had seen each other, and it appeared that he was going through a mid-immortality crisis._

_"I accidentally killed Gimli," he told her, holding up a broken oar and gallon of mayonnaise._

_Arwen comforted him the best she could, stroking his hair while trying breaking his kneecaps with a shovel. It wasn't often that he exposed himself to her thus, unless of course a trench coat was involved, but Arwen was too happy that she had companionship to care._

_"Do not fret Legolas, we shall go and ask my grandparents if this is true. Now, dry your eyes my little vagabond, everything is going to be all right."_

_"Thank you Undómiel. I always thought you were good for something other than firewood," he said, notching an arrow and aiming it at Liv._

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**Madagascar, 20th Century, 1980**

"Don't look at me like that," Dippy said, slapping Legolas across the face. "We brought you leg warmers and a CD of WHAM'S! Greatest Hits. It even has the Jitterbug." She waved the presents tantalizingly close to his face, and he snatched them from her clutches.

"But I'll be lonely here," he whined.

Little did he know that Katla was perched on the branch next to him… In a lemur suit. He found out soon enough though, for as soon as Cujo and Dippy started to leave, they could hear her screaming, "Come back! We can make babies!"

"You know Cujo, I was thinking, fangirls are kind of like Freud's Theory of Penis Envy. The only reason they stalk and obsess over these characters is because they want to be an Elf, Hobbit, Female Wizard, or Elf/Hobbit/Unicorn. Otherwise there would be no need for such relentless pursuits and crappy fan fiction. What do you think?"

"I think that if I were to keep any animal in my pants, it would be a platypus."

* * *

Coming Sooner, Episode Three: Galadriel and Celeborn vs. Sonnydrel and Chereborn… Unless I can come up with a better title. Any ideas?

And now, an IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT from our sponsor: Join Cujo's New Community: the Jazz Hand Brigade, whose title has nothing to do with what it's actually about. In fact, it was originally created for Arwen and Legolas bashing purposes, but now it's also just to talk and participate in fan fiction related crap. So **JOIN**… everyone's invited. (Well, almost everyone.)

It won't let me post a link, so you can find it in my profile, or under the community user name: goback2mirkwood

::takes bow::


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